Intentions

Things don't always go the way you intend it to.
I sit here and reminisce the day I first met you and it puts me into a state of despair; so accepting and compassionate, always encouraging; You always knew what to say. You've accepted my mother and I at once without complaints or any rejections. One glance, no one would ever know that we're not blood related. When I first saw you laying there, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to show you that I was strong and I tried my absolute hardest to hold my tears in, but just watching how hard it was for you to breathe, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Just watching you, I couldn't breathe anymore either, every word that tried to come out of my lips, I'd choke on, and swallowed it back down. I know I shouldn't have, but yes, I have honestly doubted God. I've cursed at him, blamed him for being cynical, I really shouldn't have but watching you suffer so much, I didn't have any other choice. The way your body swelled up, the way your words stumbled, the way your hands shook, the way the needles were put into your veins, I insisted that there was no such spirit as God. But now, I've realized that things do happen for a reason. I honestly don't know what the reason for your pain is and I do want to ask God what this reason is. I don't know if I can handle watching you in so much pain for much longer. Maybe this is just my selfishness, I'd rather have Him take you to Heaven, so you can rest in peace and so that you can escape this agony you're in. I know I havent been very filial. Many times I put unimportant priorities in front of you.I've never told anyone, but I'm really scared to let go because I know that when I do, I'll never be able to see you again except for in my memories. Because of my lack of expressing myself, I've never been able to tell you, but I really do love you, I am really sorry, I really don't want you to go. I really don't. =(